[Editor’s Note: Originally published 12/24/16. This is one of my all-time favorite “Dust-Offs” from Scott, so I had to re-share it for Daily Dead readers in time for Christmas. Happy Holidays from the Daily Dead team! – Jonathan]
’Twas the night time earlier than Christmas, and all by way of the land
Mommy and Santa, have been getting on grand.
This threw little Harry, into such a tizzy
He grew up demented; delusional, dizzy.
He spied on the youngsters, by way of home windows he peered
To test in the event that they’re good, or in the event that they be jeered.
He stored a giant e-book, with names he did fill
Those that did or didn’t, observe St. Nick’s will.
His job on the toy plant, was lined in scorn
Co-workers would trick him, to work till morn.
He tried to be good, and swallow his hate
However after they pushed Harry, ’twas too little, too late.
In full Santa gear, he took to the highway
With presents for kids, he had a full load.
His nondescript van, might give some people pause
A sleigh painted on the facet, a pedophile Claus. (Chill out! He wasn’t.)
However although he was respectable, to youngsters who have been good
He terrorized the dangerous, ’til they understood.
He hid within the bushes, little Moss he did scare
The poor little boy, stuffed his underwear.
And whereas out driving, Harry got here ’pon his bosses
Smarmy and smug, they oozed wins and losses.
With an axe he did greet them, introduced down on their head
No sugar plum fairies, as now they have been useless.
The toys Harry introduced, to the children with delight
A hospital crammed with these in a plight.
Whereas Harry was crazed, his trigger it was pure
Was HE the actual Santa? He couldn’t make sure.
Subsequent he slayed cohort Frank, with a pillow ’tis sure
Frank didn’t say a lot, ’twas his closing curtain.
Quickly after the gang, did chase Harry’s St. Nick
With fireplace and venom, like an outdated monster flick.
He really believed, in gift-giving properly
However Harry was trapped, in his personal psychological hell.
A lot so he thought, his pedo-van might fly
The mileage was good, he blazed ’cross the sky.
In reality his sleigh, took a horrible tumble
“This night time actually sucks,” he thought as he grumbled.
Although properly intentioned, Harry had gone fairly mad
The tone of the movie, not jokey; relatively unhappy.
Lewis Jackson, directs this with ease
In comparison with different Santa flicks, it’s not laden with sleaze.
As an alternative it’s a research, of a dour, lonely boy
Who was blind to all issues, besides Christmas pleasure.
An ideal imaginative and prescient of Santa, did dance in his head
He might have been regular, however ’twas Mommy that Santa did mattress.
We facet with Harry, Brandon Maggart you’ll thank
For making him respectable, however bizarre, not skeezy or rank.
’Tis a superb forged, that Maggart has led
Together with Jeffrey DeMunn, from The Strolling Useless.
The general feeling, is one in all nice pleasure
A Dangerous Santa movie, not counting on snide.
However relatively with whimsy, the ending is stuffed
No kids have been harmed, solely grown-ups have been killed.
And although you might really feel, that you just’ve seen all of them
This one is particular, please heed its name.
Though there are killings, that’s not its intent
Adults are simply large youngsters, who ought to atone and repent.
Now that it’s sorted, and your viewing is true
Merry Christmas Evil to all, and to all a superb night time.
*With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore. However not likely. He died in 1863.
Christmas Evil is offered on Blu-ray from Vinegar Syndrome.
