I’ve not finished as a lot work on the channel within the second half of 2025 as I initially deliberate on doing. Additionally it is awkward in that this has not been for easy causes like “my web is down” or “I’m drained”. It’s for a extra foundational purpose – I noticed that the sound of my very own voice doesn’t signify who I’m, or at the very least, how I wish to be perceived. Once I produce YouTube movies which might be put in entrance of probably hundreds of random strangers who haven’t seen any of my work earlier than, it’s my voice that delivers that first impression. On condition that my voice is not me – or doesn’t signify how I wish to be seen – this has sophisticated my very own relationship to my previous work in methods I had not foreseen. This can be a susceptible course of and one which has taken loads of introspection and braveness to acknowledge about myself.
The voice is a crucial a part of how we’re seen and perceived, even on an unconscious, micro-level. “The voice carries many facets of id, together with gender, age, and background”, writes scholar Michelle Adessa et al. “Transgender ladies could expertise gender dysphoria with their perceptual voice high quality, vocal pitch, vocal loudness, and general communication. Aligning voice with gender id may be achieved by behavioral voice coaching, surgical procedure, or a mixture of each” (1). The method I wish to undergo – gender affirmation – is each easy and daunting. “Gender affirmation is an interpersonal course of by which a transgender individual receives social recognition and help for his or her gender id and expression” (2023, 1), they write.
When individuals tune into my streams, “hey man” or “good job sir” or any variety of masculine titles are conferred upon me. That is, suffice it to say, not gender affirming. (For future reference, “hey ma’am” or “good job miss” sounds fairly good to me!) Whereas the masculine titles have by no means been laurels I’ve significantly wished to adorn, I used to be by no means conscious of myself sufficient to reject them outright. I’m coming to know, by a protracted, sluggish course of, that neither my physique, nor my voice, nor even my avatars or my outdated precise identify signify who I’m, and who I’ve at all times been.
The current downside and concern, after all, is what I produce proper now, as I work on altering the sound of my very own voice by voice coaching (most likely beginning subsequent 12 months, when I’ve the time and the psychological area to work on it). Is the wealthy legacy of my outdated video essays – which have historical past stretching again to my very first Artemy Burakh character evaluation in 2022, ugh I simply threw up a bit in my mouth at that thought – one thing that I’ll in the future reappraise when I’ve a voice that’s higher befitting of myself? It appears an excessive response to wish to shed my outdated voice like a snake sheds its pores and skin, or a shibito sheds its humanity, however nonetheless I shudder to think about such apparent proof of my inauthentic self remaining there in perpetuity, even when I’m exceedingly happy with what I’ve finished. Worse, consider the tons of of hours of stream archives of my nonrepresentative, misinterpretable voice that exist already, that I’m additionally happy with. I’ve labored so arduous on all the pieces I’ve produced for this channel – however it’s my voice that wavers within the face of my very own legacy. It’s simpler to take care of in individual – a sense I can push by, and a way that I can, within the flesh, assert my very own id in a lot of different methods. I’m not only a voice in individual.
However right here, on-line, I’m both textual content or a voice, and I’ve no actual want to ever present my face or use my actual identify (at the very least not anytime within the close to future). And that complicates issues lots for me. If that is how individuals perceive me, how can I bear to let those that won’t ever cross over to the weblog choose me? This vulnerability – which has grown for a very long time however bloomed unexpectedly – has sophisticated each side of this undertaking apart from this one, my little web site.
Gender is as a lot to do with how one is perceived as how one feels about themselves. As Jenny Holmberg writes, in a really perfect world “gender isn’t seen as an inherent property of an individual however as one thing that’s finished. The doing of gender takes place by social interactions and is mirrored each in how gender is expressed by the person, and the way this expression is perceived by others” (2025, 4 – 5). Till the day my voice displays the truth of who I’m, and who I’ve at all times been – a lady or just a female individual, is determined by the day the place I land on that scale – the realities of sharing my voice and asking for understanding can some days simply be too arduous to take. I’m eternally impressed by the bravery and authenticity of each one that can get up and hold going by misunderstanding, and sadly a lot worse generally.
I recognize everybody’s understanding and compassion on the subject of my very own newfound reticence, and I’m cursing my very own voice significantly arduous, provided that my chosen profession depends on me speaking to individuals on a regular basis. Imagine me, the frustration is profound. I can do nothing however push ahead, and I hope that my confidence will redevelop in order that I received’t even want to contemplate remaking all of my outdated movies, and redoing some playthroughs (everybody down for all of Pathologic Traditional HD once more?). But when it doesn’t, I’m privileged to have your help and your understanding.
Citations
Adessa, M., Weston, Z., Ruthberg, J., & Bryson, P. C. (2023). Gender-Affirming Voice Modification for Transgender Ladies: Traits and Outcomes. Transgender well being, 8(4), 352–362. https://doi.org/10.1089/trgh.2021.0071
Holmberg, J. (2025). On voice dysphoria : putting the transgender and gender numerous consumer on the centre of gender-affirming voice coaching (PhD dissertation, Umeå College). Retrieved from https://urn.kb.se/resolve?urn=urn:nbn:se:umu:diva-233766
